Fire

آری، آری ، زندگی زیباست زندگی آتشگهی دیرنده پا برجاست گر بیفروزیش، رقص شعله اش در هر کران پیداست ورنه، خاموش است وخاموشی گناه ماست سیاوش کسرایی / / / / / Life is like fire, can burns forever. If we turn it on we can see flame dances from far away, other wise its dark and thats our fault.

We were in st.cat on the weekend, feb 3 rd. i was looking if sss has any old pix of me and sh  to put it on our wedd websites. Tonight i was going theough the folders. I did find only a few pux of me and shahab but most of them were from 2004 and 2005. I noticed how good looking i was. You know i noticed that when i took the pix , i never think the picture looks good, but then after years, when i look back at the pictures, i think they all looks nice.

But i never thought i was really beautiful, i always thought even if some one is saying it, is beacuse they are close family and in their eyes i am good looking.

 I was also reading some of my writing, and i felt it was very mature and nice.

I really liked the person who i was.....

It was on sunday, we watched 2 action movies in an afternoon. Then i felt like my mind is blowing by a bullet, or my head was exploding, i had to touch my face to be sure its not disfigurating. I thought i would go on facebook and say it in my status. Actually in the 2nd movie hat we watched the " bad guy " of the movie when he was arrested, he asked for a lawyer, a sandwich and a computer to change his fb status.
Anyways, when i went on fb, i read Sahar status.." Oh God i cant believe by tomorrow morning 10 ppl might be hanged, how can i sleep tonight?

Today was my aunt b-day. I tried to call her and there was the message " the number is not signed" so I thought they change their phone number so I messaged her on f.b and i wrote the number I called her with.
I also called home to confirm the number with my dad. When I was reading the number for him I found out there were two entry thus two number saved with my aunt name. and I noticed the number I was calling was 8 dig rather than just 7, so i was trying to figure out why did i saved an extra digit and then I found out I was calling her number in tehran.
In my defense when i was back home,,, the number was just 6 digits and they added the other 2 digits later on...

when I was talking to mom and dad I found out, my aunt sell the apartment.
It totally broke my heart. It was hers and she had all the rights to sell it. But i really didn't want her to do so. I wanted to see it again, or take a video from it. I'm sure I told her about the video idea, but I'm sure they wouldn't care, or it wasn't that big of a deal for them to take a movie.

I wanted to show it to sh. I wanted to go there and see how big it is again. I was born there, I grew up there. It was my home. every time i dreamed about home, it was our home in iran. the home was always that home, just the people and some times the streets are a mix from here and there.

this means I can't go there any more, i can't sing on the stairs or look at the view to the backyard neighbours and the flowers and ( the branches my grandfather grew)

when we were leaving tehran, our house wasn't completely empty. we took just the very important and nessecarly stuff and left the rest. my dad book store and lots of other things, even picures and album. I remember when we were leaving mom gives us a backpack and we could take as much as stuff as we wanted in the backpack, and we(I ) put the books there. I took some of my fav books and couple of my grandfather .and a book of my great grand father. I'm glad I took them. I think we had so many things that we left it in the basement with the hope to come back and get them. I asked mom whats happen to them and she said nothing seems left behind....

It was my mom and dad wedding portrait, I hope they are some where safe.

when i was full of emotions, when I was excited and happy and when i thought i fell in love i kept my notes, and all those things that reminding me of those memories. When we were leaving home, I put them in a black plastic bag, and I put a note on top of them " please never touch this"
When homajan came here to visit us from Iran, she brought those for me, she was so happy to bring those for me and she told me that she tought this would be the best thing she could brought for me, I remember i become a bit upset, i didn't want any one acknowledge them and I thought we didn't have enough space here to take care of them. my room was much smaller and much less space. I now can see what an amazing thing she did for me , 19 years of my life. the first 10 yrs living here, felt temporary. maybe beacuse i was always expecting to move to different place. but didn't give me that much of feeling of belonging or roots. maybe its more like when I seperated once from what i felt I belong to, then it makes it harder to feel that attachment again.

I don't know how attached I am to this place, the place that is my own place. i don't know how much I have "feeling for its things". having an attachment feeling for some thing, is different by getting upset if it breaks beacuse it doesn't look nice any more.




The funny thing was sh was telling me that he wants to go back to iran for xmas, and he said he missed it so much. then i get to the conclusion that beacuse her sister was very homesick and she was talking to him, it makes him misses home and wanting to go back too. and i was thinking that maybe she shouldn't say these things to him, when there isn't so much that he could do and it also greatly affects him too.
and then these things happens to me....

I was asking our secretary about the fax machine. She saw me later on at the hallway and asked me if I found the fax machine:
-Me: yes it was in the mail room
-She: Male room?
-Me: yeah, Mail room in the basement.
-She: oh Mail room!

وبلاگم رو باز گردم این آمد:
ملول از همرهان بودن طريق کاردانی نيست بکش دشواری منزل به ياد عهد آسانی

last night we went to a firends house. The father of the house, who has 7 kids, was telling us that his older kids are graduating and he wants them to move out, but they don't and they say, they want to stay at house. ( however, I don't know how much the father want his kids to move on. It seems that that parent want the kids to be around them)
And then my dad turned back to him and told him that my doughter has moved out for 1.5- 2 years, and within all these time i've been to her place only once. and then he countinued : there is this persian saying that: "Tiri be pahloo, beh ze piri be pahloo"


It was very sad, and dardnak, the way dad was thinking.

Last night I had subject til 6, it was Hoda, The night before we had ppl coming over to our house, Hoda, Amin, Amir and Sanaz and Arjang, Shahb’s 3tar teacher. and Shahab messaged me and told me that she invited zohreh to come by today, to out house ****.
so I was tired and I wanted to get home to clean up and get ready for the guesses. I knew that Z has subject tomorrow morning, she told me her subject is coming at 7:30. and she asked me if i can put the bed for her otherwise she will need to ask a security guy to do so. I was thinking at 7:30 in the morning it might be hard to find a security guy, and although she was a pain, i wanted to help her. I asked shahab to give me a hand and he told me, no. if i want to put the bed for Z, he wouldn’t help me out. I was trying to convince him and I told him be like Jesus be nice to ppl who are bad to you. after few mins he agreed, and he said, i will do it, because Bern saw us here together and if tomorrow Z goes to him and tell him that no body was there to put the bed for me last night, then Bern knew that I was here in the lab and its not good. as Shahab said Z is such a”hoochigar” and thats not some thing out of blue to happen. so we put the bed and we fixed it, also i even bring the chair up, to be sure every thing is fine and she wouldn’t break things...
Today morning, when i saw her, i asked her how is your subject?
and she told me it took her an hour before her subject could start the experiment, beause the chair was locked and she had to remove the bed and put the bed again, beacuse she couldn’t move the chair, and then the bed was screwed so tight that they end up using a wrench to remove the screws...
and I told her that, the chair shoudlnt’ be locked, and even if it was locked it has nothing to do with the bed and we put the screw with our hand and shouldn’t be that bad... and we continue back and forth replying to this, and then i noticed she send me an email complaining about all these.
I was thinking if it was me, i was at least starting my sentences with thanks for putting the bed but....

and then when she left, i thought i should have answered her like: oh If I knew it would make so much work for you, I wouldn’t spend extra time to put the bed when my subject left at 6:30, specially when i have a guess coming over at my house.


and then i thought, why i’m becoming like my mom, not saying any thing when i should and then i would say i wish i would...

My mom is such a sweet and kind person, she is famous for that in the family. But I’m turning to be “ nemooneye kamele, tars ha, adame etemad be nafs, va afsoos khordan hash”

The only difference is my mom had the accidents in her life to relate these problems too, but i don’t even have any bad accident

Should I leave?
Or this is me, already left...

around 9:30 i was done with my shaving and i thought i still have time to go for swimming, i was there till the closing time, and actually after that. so it was around 11, that i thought i have two option going to gym or go home, and i decided to go to gym till 12. I thought I want to come home after him.
around 12 when i was going home, I was imaging about what I'll be facing to. my suggestion was:
1- seeing him seating on the coach and working with his laptop, and kind of waiting for me but not saying any comment when I come in and just give me an angry look.
2- a fun one would be, tony and amin also would be in our house, and they were all worry for me and wondering where i am.
3- another scary one but not a very possible would be he would have left couple of messages in the answering machine asking me to contact him ASAP, and telling me I'm looking every where for u....
but then when I come home i find him drunk lying on the floor, and there was Tony's message at 10:30 that Sh is sleepy and he is sleeping over here, and if he wakes up we will bring him home.....

A- To day i was so angry and bitter one of those days that " ba ye man asal ham nemitooni bokhorish"
and if you believe that your anger can make a negative physical effect, then I could totally see it.
I had a feeling that if i be this bitter i would screw up some thing, or at least i'll forget some thing.
During the He fill, i saw the gauge number increased, i was trying to make it on the maximum level, but it even went higher, which wasn't a proper thing. then after 2 mins when i measured the gauge in different way, it shows me it half way full, which was very strange, i put it back to the original situation and again it was half way full. it makes me feel like i was dreaming it or maybe i had a dejavu. it never happened before and I couldn't explain it.
even at the evening i wanted to do a routine experiment, (with different machine) and i've heard a funny noise and I noticed another instrument was burned out. I just hope that tomorrow morning i find this as another dejavu.
two incident in one day, when even one is way too much


one of the best thing in the world is that you can find a good firend that you can talk too
specially when you are so angry, you can talk to her/him and your firend doesn't say any thing and just listen to you and then you suddenly feel relieve, you feel you are not angry any more, and that is just a miracle.
you know the best part is you are talking to your firend and she remind you of some thing you said 5-6 years ago about some event and you don't even remember, and she says " you know what you said that time that day, made me realize that....."

ameh jan, oomadan khoonamoon mehmooni, hala begzarim az inke behem zang zadeh ke addresset ro bede, va vaghti man migam khoob key tashrif miarin mige alan rah mioftim!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
va man dar hale shakh dar ovordan boodam ke khoob baba ye rooz jolo tar zang mizadi! (hala khoobe man khabar dashtam ke daran miana!)

bad ke rafteh boodan, mooshi migoft ke rooy sohbateshoon fagaht ba to bood, raje be khoone fagaht be to tabrik goftano tashakor kardano ina...

my aunt called from some one's house and she said we are in T.O and i was like oh, and she said we gone come to visit you, i was happy and ask so when are you coming, and she told me we are leaving now, just give me the address.

I was so shocked, i was like what?! i was lucky that she was some where in downtown and it took her around half an hour to get to my place. imagine i was sleeping when i picked up the phone! thankfully both of us cleaned up the house and set up the table and it looked good.
Then i thought, when some one called like that, i should have say i'm not home give me at 30 mins and then come, so that they would know that they can't just do that. and then mooshi said, when some one called your home number you can't say you are not at home!!!! :D

any ways when they left, I asked mooshi what do you think about them and he said, when they were talking about the house, they were just talking to you and when they were thanking for the hospitality they were just talking to you.
p.s ( as usual i didn't pay attention to that and didn't see it.) but the gift they brought was a shirt for me, which i thought it was rude, for a new house you bring a shirt for one person....

I was talking to my mom, and I asked her if they said any thing about the house ( see i really like people talk good things about me, and say she has a nice place)
and mom said, no, she just said that "we went to her house and mooshi was there too" and my mom was thinking (yeah he is there) and thats where i find out that, oh, they didn't knew we are leaving together, and even didn't think about this!!!!!


the funny part was they were asking me twice in different occasion weather the house has 2 bedroom or one, seems like they were thinking so mooshi doesn't even have a room when he come here?!!!!!!

We just bought a car.
because 4 days ago, they told us sign here and there, and we signed without reading!!!